I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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