i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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