I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
