A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
