You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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