where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
