I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
