I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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