The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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