Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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