Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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