Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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