I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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