so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
