I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
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