so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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