Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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