I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
