Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
