Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
