giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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