Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
