I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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