There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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