life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
