im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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