Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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