he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
