I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I need to stop coming to work sober
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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