I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
