He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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