he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
