I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
