I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He passed out mid-signature
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
