He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
