I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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