Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
