If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
