I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
