you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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