I'm really into asian looking animals
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
