The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
