I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
