Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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