She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
