i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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