A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
