so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Two words: blizzard sex
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize