nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
