So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm passing your future prison.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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