I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
