i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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