I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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