He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
