I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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