I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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