I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
