dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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